Illustration by Mayank Chhaya
On the day astronomers announced the discovery of a planet made up of diamond was also the day Victoria’s Secret model Selita Ebanks announced that her vagina was scratched by her diamond-encrusted panties. I am unable to decide which announcement has greater significance. I am torn between the diamond planet and the diamond panties.
"The evolutionary history and amazing density of the planet all suggest it is comprised of carbon -- i.e. a massive diamond orbiting a neutron star every two hours in an orbit so tight it would fit inside our own Sun," Matthew Bailes of Swinburne University of Technology in Melbourne, Australia, was quoted as saying by Reuters.
“I don’t know about wearing diamonds on your crotch. It’s like you’re walking and scraping. This is not cohesive to get a man. No man wants a scratchy vagina,” Ebanks was quoted as saying The Huffington Posts’s Naughty but Nice Rob. There is touching innocence about her assertion that no man wants “a scratchy vagina.” She should not be so pessimistic. There is a whole world outside the dazzle of her diamonds.
Selita Ebanks (Picture: www.selitaebanks.com)
The diamond planet has been found 4000 light years away from the earth, which at the 186,282 miles or 300,000 kilometers a second speed of light is a little farther* than the diamonds encrusted in Ebanks’ 4.5 million dollar panties. I have spent the entire last night thinking about the implications of these two announcements. I am afraid I have not reached with any definite conclusion.
Scientists think the planet is so dense that that its carbon has to be crystalline, or in other words, diamond. No matter where you stand on that planet, you are standing on diamond. Every backyard on this planet is a diamond mine.
I apprehend that once Victoria’s Secret finds out about the yet unnamed planet, it might outsource the manufacture of its new diamond line of intimate wear there. By the time they are through with the planet, astronomers may not have anything left to study. So I suggest they claim it before Victoria’s Secret does.
On the other hand, Victoria’s Secret needs to hurry because I am sure De Beers and Surat’s diamond merchants are already planning to send trade missions.
* For those of you who care one light year means about six trillion miles (5,865,696,000,000 to be precise). That makes the diamond planet 24 trillion light years from Ebanks’ panties.