I Skyped god this morning to discuss an issue we all know can, at the very least, seriously alter the equilibrium of the universe. I refer, of course, to Sri Lankan offspinner Suraj Randiv no-balling Virendra Sehwag and depriving the Indian batsman of his century.
God chatted with me even while watching every single TV channel out of India simultaneously. Apparently god can do such multitasking. I reproduce snatches of my chat below:
Me: Hey god, what up?
God: Not much time right now. Suraj Randiv is screwing up my happiness.
Me: How come??!!##
God: The bugger no-balled Veeru and by that one immoral act nearly destroyed the universe as I created and maintain it. I have to reboot the universe.
Me: Is the action that serious? I mean, come on god, it is just one effing no-ball and one effing century.
God: Don’t go effing on me. You may use the full word. I invented it like everything else in the universe, including you.
Me: I forgot that but why bother about a no-ball, dude?
God: Did you watch how intense Anjali Doshi and Ajay Jadeja were on NDTV last night? After that who could stay aloof?
Me: Good point, god, but, I mean, who the eff cares?
God: You do. You ambushed me on Skype, did you not?
Me: Good point, god, but, I mean, who the eff cares still? I have nothing better to do.
God: Then get off the Skype and let me do my job.
Me: And your job being what? Fixing pathetic little cricket scams?
God: Get off the fucking line before I cut you off.
That is precisely when the following warning started flashing on my monitor.
“You are in violation of Government of India Telephony Act of 2010, Rule XII, Section VIIXI, Subsection VVIIXXX,very subsection XXVVIXX, that prohibits the use of profane language on any and all messenger services, including but not restricted to Skype. The entire transcript of the chat has been intercepted and sent to concerned authorities for further action. Your Internet connection has been suspended pending official judgment.”